I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
