i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
