Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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