i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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