I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
