i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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