genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
