I think I died a long time ago.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i out mim tonsoeep
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