I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
