i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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