I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I did not marry a roomba.
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