I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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