Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
