I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
