my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
