tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
