Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
