I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
