Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
