I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
