I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
