I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am naked and annoyed.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
