saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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