help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
