I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
