You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
People in love make me want to vomit
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
birth control should be required to get into college
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
