Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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