I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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