I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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