don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
