Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Are my feet made of real feet?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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