I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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