hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
