I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
