I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
being pregnant is like rehab
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
