I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
