booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
