at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
