Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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