the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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