I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
