You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
