make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
