HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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