Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
