youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
