drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
