please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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