I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
