The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
