I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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