just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
